I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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