After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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