Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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