So drunk its hurt
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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