I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
