everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
