i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
