Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
