I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
