then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
