so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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