so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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