Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
