and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
