When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
