I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
