just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
