I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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