I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
