the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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