Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
