I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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