so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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