Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
