wat bout pragnant strippers??
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
