He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dick very happy bro
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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