I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
