she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
