we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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