anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
