Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
