I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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