Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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