i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
