Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
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Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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