She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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