Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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