I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My pussy is not your playground.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
