Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
