I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
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Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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