we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
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I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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