Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
