it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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