there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
