In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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