So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
