just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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