Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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