I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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