I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
