im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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