i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I want a musical about memes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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