Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
