i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
