Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
