I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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