Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
